So, I'm a bit of a mess. 10 days off the testosterone booster Test Freak and about a week since I left my job at Harley Davidson. I love my new place in Bethlehem but it'll be a work in progress for a while. Being without income or significant savings means that I can't just jump into a new life and expect to live like I have been. Still need to organize, clean and get things for the place. Anyway...
I've noticed that my will power has begun to really fall off. I don't know if it's the limited social interaction (though, I've been networking and meeting new people all the time) or the fall in my test production but I just have the fuck-its more often than I did a week ago. The fear of failure is starting to weigh more heavily on my every thought and intention.
Earlier today, in the middle of a job application, I became completely distracted by the idea of posting a blog or Googling "why is success impossible?" I really shouldn't even be having those thoughts and I guess I'm lucky enough to be "outside the sphere" of my emotional experience. Being able to see those fears and feelings for what they are makes it slightly easier to stay above their influence. It's still very, very difficult. I do keep wondering, "what makes some people successful, almost in spite of glaring character flaws?"
What, at 30 years old, is holding me back? Is it the lingering dispositions of my 10 year old self? Is it my pre-empathetic personality and its sense of entitlement? Am I really expecting to be rewarded? Do I, on the contrary, truly believe that I have to grasp and take whatever it is that I want in this world? I don't know. I just don't know.
What I do know is that whatever the next bullshit job I take happens to be, I'm going to be fucking awesome at it. History has taught me that. I rise to the top. Always. But then that begs another question. Why the fuck must I always start at the bottom? What the fuck is holding me down? Most importantly, how do I kill it?
